The Beauty of Getting Remarried

Divorce is a pretty difficult thing to go through. Correction- its a REALLY difficult thing to go through and to experience. Every member of the family, immediate and extended, that goes through, experiences, or even initiates a/the divorce suffers in some way or form. The parent suffer, the children suffer, the brothers, the sisters, the grandparents, everyone! Divorce is a very disheartening and traumatic event. Of all of the people that I know of however, divorce got them out of a very nasty situation that no one should ever go through. I know that this is not the case for everyone, but from what I have seen while growing up around me, is that there is a good reason for divorce. So don't feel discouraged if that has happened to you.

On the flip side however, I have seen the beauty of getting remarried, and what it can do to gather damaged people, and help them to change things for the better. A dear friend of mine's sister had gotten a divorce, and was a single mother of two young children. When ever we would get together and hang out, I would ask him how she was doing, and we would constantly talk about it why it went down, and where the situation was at.

I was talking with him one time, and he told me that she started to see this guy regularly, and that he was treating and taking such good care of her. This guy who his sister was dating had also been previously married and had his own child. My friend talked about how relieved he was that his sister was starting to see someone who made her so happy, and treated her how she deserved to be treated. And whenever we had these conversation and I was hearing about the progress what she was making and how she was getting happier, I too started to feel happier, more relieved, and even more relaxed for her!

That is the strange thing about this whole situation, is the fact that I have never even spoken to her before, yet I was sympathizing with her! I was cheering her on, and was always praying for her and I invested a lot of prayers and thought and wishes for her. As I mentioned before, I didn't know her very well, and I had never even met her. Divorce impacts the individuals involved, and even those around us.

Now, I did mention that she started to date this guy that also was coming back from a previous marriage. Well, long story short, they got married, and they are now raising their three children together. That doesn't mean that life is all sweet and easy, and if anything, because they are a blended family there are more than likely more problems that are arising between past relationships and families.

Unfortunately, I haven't heard from my friend from a while, but I do follow his sister on a social media page, and life seems to be going well for them. If you are divorced, and have started to date again and found yourself in a relationship with another person, and you are worried about what people are going to think about you, don't worry. People aren't going to think badly of you. Strangers might, but they don't matter. Those who are close to you and are around you and care for you are going to be beyond happy and thrilled that you have made the decision to be happy again.

Don't be afraid. You deserve to live a happy life, and you deserve to feel loved by someone who is worthy of holding your heart. Go and be happy with that person that you want to spend forever with, it is within your grasp. Go and enjoy the rest of your life.

Parenting

This week, we learned about parenting. Yeah. This is a tough topic that so many people have so many different opinions on. I know this because I was in a parenting class in my last semester, and even just having this as a topic that was brought up for two days, there were many differences. The parenting class that I had last semester was absolutely amazing, and I loved the professor and the concepts that were taught. In the class that I am in now, I can’t say that I agree with some of the things that were taught. In fact, I can’t. I don’t agree with anything that was taught in my current class concerning the topic of parenting. I felt like the role of the mother in the home was very belittled, and that everything that happens in the life of two parents working together falls on the influence of the father. Yes, the father is a very influential figure in the home, but so is the mother. I was not impressed with the way the information was taught, and it rubbed me the wrong way.

In my parenting class that I had last semester, the information that was taught didn’t focus on techniques on how to get your child to behave completely through a long event, or get through the day without a temper tantrum, or even successfully getting them up and ready for the day. No, the class that I had last semester focused on how parents work together, and that they are equal partners in everything that they do. Even though this idea was part of the semester, the biggest point that had a very intense focus on, was on the parent’s way of being. We focused on the book called “The Anatomy of Peace”, and we really drilled into having a heart of peace, and not a heart of war.

When you are raising your child, if you just focus on only providing for them, but you don’t set a good example for them, then you are automatically already doing more harm than you are good. 

Let us look at an example. If a mother has been with her child all day and she is ready for her husband to get home, so that she can take a little break before cooking dinner. Let’s say that he comes home, and it appears that he has had a hard day. You ask the normal questions such as “how was work?” or “how has your day been sweetheart?” and he just grumbles under his breath, she probably will change the topic. If she asks him to watch over their child but that simple request to help her out pushes him over the edge, he is going to get angry, and might even start to yell. Because one or both of these parents have a heart of war, they can’t be effective parents to their child.

I agree with my professor that I had from my previous semester, because if we as parents aren’t functioning as adults who can control our emotions, then how are we supposed to raise children who we want to be effective in the world? The solution is simple. We can’t. If we don’t have a heart of peace toward our children, and even for our spouse at that matter, then we won’t be able to have a healthy marriage, and we won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with our children.

My thoughts probably seemed scattered, but that was all that was going through my head in about 600 words or so. To recap, both husband and wife are absolutely crucial for the parenting of children. One is not better than the other, and there is not one parent who can do a better job “statistically” speaking than the other. It takes two people to create a child, just the same as it takes two people to raise a child.

The Role of Fathers in a Child's Development

Today in society, the outlook on the importance of fathers is very frowned upon. You hear lots of topics concerning the role fathers play, and you also probably hear a lot of people say that the father is redundant in the home, and the mother is completely capable of doing everything. Yeah, they are partly right. They are right in the sense that a mother can raise a child working full time, but what is she sacrificing when it comes to the attachment she has with her child? Is her child having a strong and secure attachment with her? Is a child going to be better off when they only have one parent, or are they going to do better if they have 2 parents? I think you see where I am going with this, and this is where I want to make my point: Fathers play a larger part in their child's development and their family dynamics than most people would think.

According to Harvard University, the very first line that they state in their passage is "Both parents are very important." I agree with this 100%. I study Early Childhood Development, and having both parents involved in their child's life is so very crucial. The parent's teaching, raising, playing, and nurturing styles are two completely different things; the mother is more nurturing with quite games such as singing, finger play, and teaching activities. The father would be more involved in active play, such as running around and throwing their child into the air. 

The second thing that I would like to point out from this article from Harvard, is that fathers can have such an impact on their children, and their self esteems. The article stated that "When children become parents, they look to their parents as to what the should and should not do." How these young children are going to parent when they are older, is going to influenced how their parent's raised them. 

The third thing that I would like to talk about, is the influences of father's on their daughters. There have been studies that have shown what an influence of a father on her daughter he can have. Harvard says that "young girls in particular ... [can have and huge impact from their father's when it comes to] their self-esteem and how they grow into women." Young women who don't have a good relationship with their father have a lower sell-esteem, and will actually have relationship troubles later in their life. 

Well, what about their sons? What influences do fathers have on them? That is the fourth point I want to bring up. When sons have a father in their lives, there are lower amounts of sporadic and harmful behavior such as crime rates, prison time, and even abuse. 

The last point I want to bring up is honestly probably the most important point to me. This is the relationship between the Father and the Mother, and how it can affect children. Harvard said that "the more positive the relationship is, the more children will see and understand what a working romantic and working collaborative relationship looks like. When parents work as a well-functioning team, children learn how to work things out." I agree with thing because it really is true. Even when a child sees their parents sitting next to each other, the child physically relaxes because they see that their parents love each other. 

I know that all of these points are true, because I know that I have had the influence of an amazing father in my life. Because I was fortunate enough to have parents who love each other, I was able to develop a sturdy self-esteem and knew what I wanted in a future husband. The example my father and mother modeled in their relationship, allowed me to know that I wanted a relationship that was exactly like that.

Because of these things that I have been fortunate enough to experience, I have been able to really ponder what I want in my future, and what I want for my children. My fiance and I have already talked a little bit about what we want for our future children, and that is 1. to make sure that I would be able to stay at home with them, and 2. to make sure that we really strive to have a meaningful and loving relationship with each other, but also with each of our children. I am not sure how we are going to achieve this, but I know that all we can do is to do our best, and go off of what we know to be best. We are not perfect, but we will strive to do the best that we can!


Sources
https://www.extension.harvard.edu/inside-extension/role-fathers-childhood-development

Communication... Need I Say More?

Yes, I know that you all have heard that the key to a good, healthy relationship is to communicate with your significant other. Well, it is true. All 100% of it, and a little more. Communication is crucial to having a good relationship. It is even crucial to get into a relationship in the first place! How do you get into a relationship if you don't have a conversation with the other person about what they want? One person might have one idea about what they want, but the other may be on a completely different page! I think you get my point: communication is important.

However, did you know that there is a way to communicate that creates an almost close to perfect understanding AND room for improvement on each partner's character? I bet you didn't, but that's okay. I didn't know about it either. I think it is actually kind of interesting, so let me enlighten you on what it is!

There is a chart of 5 steps that can lead to communication that results with a stronger relationship in the end. This is what it looks like:

Empathy
1. Disarming Technique
2. Express Empathy
3. Inquiry

Assertiveness
4. when__(situation)__, I felt like__emotion)__,
    because__(thoughts)__, I would like__(hopes)__.

Respect
5. Being genuine, authentic, show admiration, appreciation, etc.

Let me dive into more of what I mean. For step one, this is called the disarming technique. What you do here, you make yourself vulnerable. I know that sounds horrible, and when you are arguing with someone, that is the last thing that you want to do. The last thing that you want to say is two words that everyone hates to say: you're right.

"You know what? You are right. I did forget to do the dishes when it was my night to do them. I guess I was just tired, or forgot to do them. I probably made you annoyed with me and probably made you think that I was lazy."

The second step is to express empathy. "I believe that you are feeling a couple of these emotions."

And for the third step inquire and ask questions; "Do I believe and understand that correctly?"

For the fourth step, this is where and how you set up your conversation if you were the person responding, or even starting the conversation. You tell of the situation, what you were feeling, why you were feeling that way, and what you would like to change.

For example, you can say; "I got upset when you didn't do the dishes last night. I felt that you didn't care about the state of our/my house and that you were lazy. I was feeling that way because I was tired and hungry. If at all possible, I would just like to have communication about what you are thinking and feeling about doing the dishes."

The last step, is to show appreciation, love, compliments, and any other positive feelings that you have towards that person. This allows for them to not feel like they are being chastised or that they are unappreciated. It would look like something like this: "Again, I am sorry that I reacted this way, but I want you to know that I love you. I love how hard you work and I didn't realize that you might have had a longer day than normal. I love your humor, and I want you to know that I absolutely adore you."

I promise that if you follow these steps and this process that you will be able to make your relationship less contentious, and more enjoyable.

How Can We Avoid Stress in the Family?

If you want to have a successful marriage, then I believe that you have to be intentional with every decision that you and your spouse agree upon. When it comes to doing the dishes, we intentionally decide to do them, even though it may not be "our day" to do them, or we have done it 3 times already this week. Marriages are intentional when it comes to simple decisions; such as what color you want to paint the living room wall, or what kind of color of pots and pans that you want for your kitchen. Everything that is done through a marriage is intentional, no matter how small or large the decision may be. However, decisions are hard to make, and can be stressful and can also cause contention in a marriage.

Turning on a different note for a minute, lets explore options other than decisions that can influence and put a strain on marriages. What are some other things that a married couple has to be cautious with? Well, lets say that a couple met at school, started dating and eventually got married. Let's imagine that they have been married for a few months or so, and they have gotten into a pretty secure and consistent routine. They both go to school, and the husband has a job that provides them with everything that they need in order to live comfortably. Well, what would happen if they were both home, but the husband was more distressed than normal? Concerned, his wife would ask him what was wrong, and hesitantly he says that he lost his job. Their normal routine and financial income is now warped completely; they now have no income, and stress has ensued in their little family.

How can this couple get through this first financial loop that they are struggling with, when they have never really struggled with money in the past? What if on top of this financial situation there was an additional problem?  Let's imagine on top of financial stress, the wife's mother had just been involved in like a car accident and the situation doesn't look very good for her. So now, we have two stressed and worried persons in a committed marriage to each other. Is the stress going to pull them closer together, or are they going to let the problems cause contention between them?

Now, let us pause the situation for a moment. Can you admit that you are feeling stressed out just reading about this situation that the couple are in? Would that uneasy feeling increase if I told you that they were almost 9 month pregnant with their first child?

I want to pause here with the stressful situation and would like to compare it to a simple visual activity: Imagine the couple facing the other, and holding each other's hands. Imagine the financial stress, the stress of starting a family, the stress the wife has about her mother, and the stress of the husband about his heavily pregnant wife. All of these stressors are starting to pull the husband and wife away from each other. Now, the couple has two options here: they can either keep holding onto their significant other's hands and adjust their weight so they can pull each other closer to each other, or they can let go. If their hands come apart from the other person, then that results in a failed marriage.

Now, depending on your situation, I want you to ask yourself one of these two questions?
1. Am I holding onto my husband's/wife's hand tight enough so that we can keep our marriage going?
2. What can I do to make sure that I have a mindset that allows for me to hold onto my ftrure spouse's hand when times are rough?

Intimacy is Amazing

When a couple gets to the point where they are starting to have very simple, but more meaningful touches to their significant other, there becomes an underlying layer of trust and reassurance. Let me explain about those a little bit. 

When a man touches his girlfriend/wife, he is reassuring her everything is going to be a-ok and that he always has her back. The same thing can apply to a woman, and there are many possibilities that can be behind what she has for the touch that she has saved for him. 

Another example, if a couple has been dating/been married for a while, or even just a short amount of time, their communication through touch could be phenomenal! I know that I have seen it in relationships I have had in the past, and I can see it in my current relationship as well. Touch also can be a love language to your love interest/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. 

A love language is how the person you are interested in best feels, understands, and receives love. That is how they interpret love, and the love that you, and others, and giving them. 

There are some problems that can come with touch though. You always have to have their consent. If your significant other is not comfortable with you stroking their back, of having a hand on their knee, or even having an arm wrapped around them, or a hand trying to hold theirs. If they are not ready for it, you do not keep doing it in hopes that they will warm "up to the idea". They have consent, and if they allow you to do something, then I would still proceed with caution. 

There are lots of things that can help your relationship, and intimacy is one of them. Touch is a very important part in keeping your relationship and your marriage strong. It may not the the number one thing, but statistics show that if you and your significant other are always touching (in both a sexual and non-sexual way, always with consent) you will have a deeper love for your significant other. 

The point that I am trying to make, is to make sure that you and your romantic interest are always having personal, sacred, and loving touch between the each other. If you do this, I promise that you will have a deeper love and appreciation for your spouse. I know that I have gained a deeper relationship with my own personal relationship, and I have seen it from my parents, grandparents, and even friends who are in healthy relationships and marriages. 

See you all next time! 

There is Not Only "One Way to Date"

Back in the days, (I'm guessing about 20-30 years ago at a minimum), there was a specific way that the dating process panned out. This process would evolve over a period of about a year or so, (maybe more, maybe less), and would occur in these specific set of steps: 

Dating 
            Courting 
                            Engagement
                                                Marriage

Seems reasonable right? I agree. I think that it is good to date people, and to get a feel for what you want in your future spouse. I agree that dating should be fun, with many different activities where you can get to know the person that you are interested in. However, the dating process that you see above was "back in the days", and is not the same as the dating process today. Today's culture is very different, and the chart goes a little something like this:
   
Dating             
            Courting 
                            Engagement
                                                 Marriage

Obviously something is very different compared to the chart above. Courting is now considered "redundant" or "a waste of time". I can neither deny nor agree with that. I am not bothered by the fact that courting is not a thing anymore, and on the flip side I am not overly concerned about bringing it back. Why? Because I think, and firmly believe, that a relationship can survive without going through the step of "courting".

The dating trend that is occurring now, is where people will start dating someone exclusively while they barely know the person. Another increasing trend, (one that I would like to go more in depth with), is the fact that couple who are dating will "decide to get married", "pick a wedding date", and "schedule the temple/venue" before they get engaged.

Why do you think that these dating trends have changed?

I believe that they have changed because 1. not only are there more and more dangers out there in this world but 2., we have been given gifts here on this Earth help us to find those dangers. Let me elaborate.

For the dangers that I mentioned, there is an increasing problem of pornography all throughout the world. If a couple wants to get married, then they can talk through all of the problems and addictions that they as individuals have, and if they wish, they can get it all taken care of, (as much as the couple determines appropriate), before they get married.

The 2nd thing that I mentioned was gifts that we have here on Earth. I believe that we as humans are more cautious than we have ever been; (because of the reason above, I think we do have every reason to be cautious.) We are also seeing an increase in cases of anxiety throughout the world and I believe that is because we need to be very cautious when moving into the idea marriage. Anxiety for the most part is annoying, a pain in the butt, and can be seriously disabling. However, it can also be a strength for finding those who we choose to be with.

That raises another question that I have: do you think that it is wrong for a couple to decide to work towards marriage? Do you think that it is wrong when a couple ends up deciding on getting married and actually start to plan and schedule their wedding? Actually, here is a better question: Do you think that if a couple doesn't follow the steps of dating, then courting, then getting engaged, and then getting married exclusively in that order that they will end up getting a divorce? Hmm... I'll let you think on that for a minuet.

This may have seemed like a very loud and opinionated post, and you are right. I had a lot of hard and intense feelings while I was both sitting in class and writing this article. I had these feelings because I didn't agree with them. I don't agree with the fact that everything was pointing to failure when it comes to dating. There are so many exceptions, and there definitely isn't one "specific" way to date. I know a wide range of amazing people who have very successful marriages, and a pretty uncommon dating experience with their current spouse.

If you want to make your marriage work, then you will be able to make it work; regardless of your dating experience with that person.

Dancing is Related to... Marriage?

 Yes, you read that right. There are so many different ways that dancing is related to marriage. Just look at the general dynamics of how the dance is set up; The guy leads, supports, and balances with the woman while they are dancing. The woman's role is to follow, be in a position where the man can support her, and give balance back to the man.

When a guy leads the woman, he is taking her by the hand, (sometimes literally), and he is saying, "Alright, I am you protector. We are going to be doing this together, but I am leading this dance through life. You know the dance, it is your responsibility to know where to be, so be there for me so that you can help me out." And I really like that perspective.

When a woman follows, I don't mean that they sit back and be abused and mistreated because their husband is "in charge and what he says goes." No, that is not the case. However, according to The Family: A Proclamation to the World  the "fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

The key phrase that I would like to point out would have to be the last line of what I cited for this article: "fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners". When you are dancing with a cute guy or girl, and only one of you is putting forth the effort with leading, or following, or just not knowing the dance in general, then it is going to cause some difficulties down the road.

So how can someone work through those difficulties that are going to arise in the dance? Maybe there is a sudden change in tempo, and you are not sure how to dance to this new and "improved" song. Maybe neither partner is sure what to do when the DJ decides to throw a curve ball, (or unexpected trial), during our dance. Just think about that for a moment.

Another thing that the man is responsible for doing, is supporting. At the end of a dance, most girls really like it when the guy spins them around and dips them. It makes the women feel like they are in a fairy tale, and that they are special, important, and even cherished by the man they are dancing with. It makes them feel safe, and ultimately, that is what a girl is looking for. (So tip guys: if you really like a girl, randomly have a dance with her pretty much anywhere and do the spin and dip, and she will be very interested back as well. [Keep in mind however, that some girls don't like to dance.]) Women's roles for support, is to allow her man to help her. If she doesn't let him, then he can in no way support her and her needs.

And that leads me to my last point: balance. Balance is crucial for both of these roles in a dance. There are going to be times where a man won't be able to lead, and he won't be able to support, and his woman is going to have to step up to the plate so that they can get through whatever their circumstances may be. There needs to be a balance of support, and it is going to be important and crucial to their relationship that both man and woman know how to support each other in everything that they do.

Marriage is a dance through life. There may be times where neither of you know the steps, the song, or are even confusion about why the song is speeding up or slowing down. But if you have your man or woman by your side, then you will be able to laugh at the mistakes, enjoy the sloppy steps, and overall, relish in all of the effort that you have put into this now, perfect for your marriage, dance.

You Have the Choice

It was a normal day, around 3:30 in the afternoon, and Amelia was folding her her son's laundry, including his football jersey. As she was doing this, she was letting her mind wander, and that led her to start thinking about her son. "Star of the football team and he already has a promising career for being a college football player when he graduates." She sighs. "My Liam is such an amazing kid: smart, kind to others in his class, has good friends, and always works hard for what he wants. I could not have asked for a more perf-" 

 Amelia's thought process was interrupted when she heard the door of her house opening. Turning, she looked to see who was coming into her house, and was both stunned and confused when she saw her son, Liam, standing there. "Strange" she thought, "he is never home this early from school. He usually has practice until 5." 

"Hi Liam, you're home early. Was practice cancelled today?" She asked. Liam's rich voice replied in a disheartened monotone, "no". Amelia's stomach dropped: something wasn't right.  Now concerned for her son, she heard herself saying "What's the matter sweetheart?" 

"It's nothing Mom, don't worry about it," he said. "This doesn't sound like my Liam." She thought. "Liam, I know that there is something bothering you. What is it, so that I can know how to help you?" Liam hesitated. He was still standing by the door he just entered through, and was shifting from side to side - clearly uncomfortable, and clearly deciding if he wanted to do this or not. After a couple of seconds, he placed his backpack down on the ground, and walked over to the living room where she was seated. He sat on the same couch, but was farther away that Amelia would have liked. Regardless, he was still going to tell her. 

She patiently waited for him to gather up the courage to speak what was on his mind. After a couple of minuets with his head in his hands, Liam sat up straight and looked at her, and he said plain and simple, "I am gay."

Now, as to what happens for the rest of this story, I am going to leave that up to you to decide. We all have certain opinions, and there are many different ways that Amelia could respond to Liam, depending on her views about her child being gay, or even just gay oriented people. 

Now, notice how I am not saying "homosexual". I believe that being homosexual and being gay are two completely different things. I know what you are thinking, and yes, those terms are very similar when it comes to describing a person, but let's take it a little deeper. When you Google the term "gay" and are searching for a definition, you get exactly what I said it wasn't related to: "homosexual". However, it was once a way to describe a feeling, and a certain way a person acted. Eventually, this changed into a sexual orientation. 

There has been research done showing that if a man is told over and over again that he is gay, then he can't be anything other than gay. He won't ever be able to have a family, to be a father, or even to be a husband, all because all he knows is to be "gay". 

Newsflash for everyone: THIS IS NOT TRUE! 

If a man chooses to be attracted to men, that is 100% his choice. If a man wants to be attracted to women, that is 100% his choice. A man that is "gay" can have a very successful and happy marriage. A man that is "gay" can have children and become a father with a woman he loves. 

Stop telling people that when you have come to the conclusion that you are "gay" that this is the way that God has made you. No, you have a biological component that makes you attracted to other males, but you do not have to act upon them. If you want to be attracted to women, choose to be. If you want to be attracted to men, choose to be. 

What people say does not define who you are. You have the choice, and you are the only one who can make it. 

Family Culture

Have you ever had an experience where you were interacting with a friend, colleague, or even a complete stranger and they told you something that threw you completely for a loop? What I mean by "loop" is a difference in something that someone does, and you discover that you do it completely different than they do? Are there certain family rules that only your family has? Is there an unspoken agreement that your family just, has? Even though it has never been discussed? That is because every family, over hundreds of years of traditions, beliefs, and compromises has kept unspoken rules, and also intentionally added rules to fit the needs of new families. You could almost call unspoken family rules an individualized family's culture. 

So, what exactly is culture? Culture can be "the cumulative deposit of knowledge, experience, beliefs, values, attitudes, meanings, hierarchies, religion, notions of time, roles, spatial relations, concepts of the universe, and material objects and possessions acquired by a group of people in the course of generations through individual and group striving." (Hofstede). Sorry for the long description, but you now get the idea that culture is comprised of many different components. 

The cool thing about culture though, is that it is like clay: it can be molded, squished, stretched, compressed, or even expanded. It doesn't have to be set in stone for generation after generation, and can always improve and change at a moment's notice. I am sure we have all heard the saying, "If you cook, then you don't clean" or from a mother's point of view, "I cooked, now you clean!" Now, we are all familiar with the role that women played in and throughout history: they would usually cook, clean, and care for the children. However, the rule that "I cooked, now you clean" had to come from somewhere. How did that change come to be? How can we change our family culture? 

Let's take the scenario above and look at how the families themselves can change after this new culture is established. The very first generation where this was changed, was more that likely, very odd; probably even almost uncomfortable to get used to. But, I am sure the mothers and daughters in following generations were more than happy to have their husbands, fathers, and brothers to either learn how to cook, or how to do the dishes. 

The families that have this rule, I believe, have learned how to be more selfless, hardworking, and aware of the responsibilities that everyone in the family has. They are more aware of each other member of their family, and they more than likely have a better, deeper, and more meaningful relationship. 

Now, lets think for a second: What if that wasn't a family rule, and the family still doesn't have that rule in their house? What if a son in the family is looking to get married, but he expects his future wife to do all of the cooking, cleaning, and eventually caring for their children? Chances are, that there isn't going to be a high chance for him to find a wife. However, if there is a new rule that they come up with, such as he will cook and clean the dishes on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Then his wife could cook and clean the dishes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That then would be a compromise, and they would have, believe it or not, a new family culture. 

The main point that I am trying to make, is that if you don't like some unspoken rule or culture that your family has, you have the power to change it. If you can't change it in for your immediate family, then strive to know what you want for when you have a family of your own. If you like the culture your family has right now, then great! But understand that family culture can always be changed. 

Cites: Hofstede, Unknown. “Culture.” Empiricism: Hume & Positivism, 2014, people.tamu.edu/~i-choudhury/culture.html.

The Importance of Good Relationships

What is an optimal family? In a easier phrasing, an optimal family is simply "successful function between family members". Let's be completely honest here though, there are so many different ideas of what "successful", "functioning", and even "families" mean. Successful could mean that everyone goes to bed happy at the end of the day. However, in another family, it could mean that everyone went to bed angry, but no one died in the process. So, why is it important that we have an optimal family situation, or at least strive to have one?

Having an optimal family system is crucial for not only the relationship of spouses, but also for the stress level of their children. In my Family Relations class, we were talking about the importance of the relationship between parents and the effects that it has on their children. The example we talked about was children with Asthma would come to the hospital with their parents, and the doctor who would be working with these children started to notice a pattern: Mom would usually sit right by the child, and if the father was present, he would sit detached from both of them. (Shown below)

M = Mom

C = Child

D = Dad

MC  D

This particular Doctor, (whose name I cannot recall), started to question what would happen if he separated the child from Mom, and instead placed Dad by Mom:

MD  C

The results were crazy! Not only did that small change help to make the Father feel involved, but it also helped the child to relax, and not be afraid, stressed, or tense. 

The relationships that parents have with each other, is very crucial on the child's development. If a child is stressed out early in their life, it can impact their social, mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical development, all the way up until they are an adult. For example; if a 10-year-old child is going through a stressful situation at home, (let's say divorce), their sleep pattern will change, they may become more rebellious, grades may drop, and they will start puberty sooner. 

Moving back to the hospital scenario, I am going to share a slightly similar example. My Professor, (who is an experienced family therapist), found the study done by the doctor, and decided to try it out for himself. He started to place parents siting side by side, and the children that were present went from a stiff posture and straight face, to being completely relaxed and having soft, relieved smiles. Absolutely amazing that parent's relationships affect their children so much. 

So going back to the question at the beginning, "how can we create an optimal family situation in our own family?"

The biggest one is communication, and this cannot be stressed enough. When spouses, parents, and even children communicate about everything with each other, (and I mean everything), there is little room for misunderstanding and hard, negative feelings towards another member. 

The second thing, is listening; this is also super crucial when it comes to optimal relationships. If you communicate about everything, it is difficult to resolve anything when you don't actually listen to the problem that is being discussed and you are still at square one with a still, unsolved problem. 

The last one that I would recommend, is to always find time to spend with your family. The more time that you spend with someone, the stronger that your relationship is going to be. (I know that I have really learned the importance of that, especially over the past couple of months.)

If you work your hardest to strive to develop communication, listening skills, and a pattern of spending time with another person, then I know for sure that your relationships will work out, get better, and become more meaningful. 

What Can We Do to Protect The Family?

Disclaimer: I know that not everyone has the so called "perfect family" situation. I understand that there are blended, divorced, broken, and even complicated family situations. If your family are your friends, co-workers, neighbors, pets, classmates, or others I have failed to mention, know that you can still partake! If I offend you by feeling like I don't include you, or others you know, I sincerely apologize. It is not my intention to offend, just to share the things I have learned and am passionate about. 

Hi there!

If you haven't ready my biography yet, my name is Bethany Squires and I am a student at Brigham Young University located in Idaho. I am 18 years old, am studying Early Childhood Development, and am seeking a career as a Child Life Specialist. I am a firm believer in the importance of relationships, and I want to share those things that I am not only learning, but am passionate about. I will be updating weekly, and would enjoy having you along for the ride!