Parenting

This week, we learned about parenting. Yeah. This is a tough topic that so many people have so many different opinions on. I know this because I was in a parenting class in my last semester, and even just having this as a topic that was brought up for two days, there were many differences. The parenting class that I had last semester was absolutely amazing, and I loved the professor and the concepts that were taught. In the class that I am in now, I can’t say that I agree with some of the things that were taught. In fact, I can’t. I don’t agree with anything that was taught in my current class concerning the topic of parenting. I felt like the role of the mother in the home was very belittled, and that everything that happens in the life of two parents working together falls on the influence of the father. Yes, the father is a very influential figure in the home, but so is the mother. I was not impressed with the way the information was taught, and it rubbed me the wrong way.

In my parenting class that I had last semester, the information that was taught didn’t focus on techniques on how to get your child to behave completely through a long event, or get through the day without a temper tantrum, or even successfully getting them up and ready for the day. No, the class that I had last semester focused on how parents work together, and that they are equal partners in everything that they do. Even though this idea was part of the semester, the biggest point that had a very intense focus on, was on the parent’s way of being. We focused on the book called “The Anatomy of Peace”, and we really drilled into having a heart of peace, and not a heart of war.

When you are raising your child, if you just focus on only providing for them, but you don’t set a good example for them, then you are automatically already doing more harm than you are good. 

Let us look at an example. If a mother has been with her child all day and she is ready for her husband to get home, so that she can take a little break before cooking dinner. Let’s say that he comes home, and it appears that he has had a hard day. You ask the normal questions such as “how was work?” or “how has your day been sweetheart?” and he just grumbles under his breath, she probably will change the topic. If she asks him to watch over their child but that simple request to help her out pushes him over the edge, he is going to get angry, and might even start to yell. Because one or both of these parents have a heart of war, they can’t be effective parents to their child.

I agree with my professor that I had from my previous semester, because if we as parents aren’t functioning as adults who can control our emotions, then how are we supposed to raise children who we want to be effective in the world? The solution is simple. We can’t. If we don’t have a heart of peace toward our children, and even for our spouse at that matter, then we won’t be able to have a healthy marriage, and we won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with our children.

My thoughts probably seemed scattered, but that was all that was going through my head in about 600 words or so. To recap, both husband and wife are absolutely crucial for the parenting of children. One is not better than the other, and there is not one parent who can do a better job “statistically” speaking than the other. It takes two people to create a child, just the same as it takes two people to raise a child.

The Role of Fathers in a Child's Development

Today in society, the outlook on the importance of fathers is very frowned upon. You hear lots of topics concerning the role fathers play, and you also probably hear a lot of people say that the father is redundant in the home, and the mother is completely capable of doing everything. Yeah, they are partly right. They are right in the sense that a mother can raise a child working full time, but what is she sacrificing when it comes to the attachment she has with her child? Is her child having a strong and secure attachment with her? Is a child going to be better off when they only have one parent, or are they going to do better if they have 2 parents? I think you see where I am going with this, and this is where I want to make my point: Fathers play a larger part in their child's development and their family dynamics than most people would think.

According to Harvard University, the very first line that they state in their passage is "Both parents are very important." I agree with this 100%. I study Early Childhood Development, and having both parents involved in their child's life is so very crucial. The parent's teaching, raising, playing, and nurturing styles are two completely different things; the mother is more nurturing with quite games such as singing, finger play, and teaching activities. The father would be more involved in active play, such as running around and throwing their child into the air. 

The second thing that I would like to point out from this article from Harvard, is that fathers can have such an impact on their children, and their self esteems. The article stated that "When children become parents, they look to their parents as to what the should and should not do." How these young children are going to parent when they are older, is going to influenced how their parent's raised them. 

The third thing that I would like to talk about, is the influences of father's on their daughters. There have been studies that have shown what an influence of a father on her daughter he can have. Harvard says that "young girls in particular ... [can have and huge impact from their father's when it comes to] their self-esteem and how they grow into women." Young women who don't have a good relationship with their father have a lower sell-esteem, and will actually have relationship troubles later in their life. 

Well, what about their sons? What influences do fathers have on them? That is the fourth point I want to bring up. When sons have a father in their lives, there are lower amounts of sporadic and harmful behavior such as crime rates, prison time, and even abuse. 

The last point I want to bring up is honestly probably the most important point to me. This is the relationship between the Father and the Mother, and how it can affect children. Harvard said that "the more positive the relationship is, the more children will see and understand what a working romantic and working collaborative relationship looks like. When parents work as a well-functioning team, children learn how to work things out." I agree with thing because it really is true. Even when a child sees their parents sitting next to each other, the child physically relaxes because they see that their parents love each other. 

I know that all of these points are true, because I know that I have had the influence of an amazing father in my life. Because I was fortunate enough to have parents who love each other, I was able to develop a sturdy self-esteem and knew what I wanted in a future husband. The example my father and mother modeled in their relationship, allowed me to know that I wanted a relationship that was exactly like that.

Because of these things that I have been fortunate enough to experience, I have been able to really ponder what I want in my future, and what I want for my children. My fiance and I have already talked a little bit about what we want for our future children, and that is 1. to make sure that I would be able to stay at home with them, and 2. to make sure that we really strive to have a meaningful and loving relationship with each other, but also with each of our children. I am not sure how we are going to achieve this, but I know that all we can do is to do our best, and go off of what we know to be best. We are not perfect, but we will strive to do the best that we can!


Sources
https://www.extension.harvard.edu/inside-extension/role-fathers-childhood-development

Communication... Need I Say More?

Yes, I know that you all have heard that the key to a good, healthy relationship is to communicate with your significant other. Well, it is true. All 100% of it, and a little more. Communication is crucial to having a good relationship. It is even crucial to get into a relationship in the first place! How do you get into a relationship if you don't have a conversation with the other person about what they want? One person might have one idea about what they want, but the other may be on a completely different page! I think you get my point: communication is important.

However, did you know that there is a way to communicate that creates an almost close to perfect understanding AND room for improvement on each partner's character? I bet you didn't, but that's okay. I didn't know about it either. I think it is actually kind of interesting, so let me enlighten you on what it is!

There is a chart of 5 steps that can lead to communication that results with a stronger relationship in the end. This is what it looks like:

Empathy
1. Disarming Technique
2. Express Empathy
3. Inquiry

Assertiveness
4. when__(situation)__, I felt like__emotion)__,
    because__(thoughts)__, I would like__(hopes)__.

Respect
5. Being genuine, authentic, show admiration, appreciation, etc.

Let me dive into more of what I mean. For step one, this is called the disarming technique. What you do here, you make yourself vulnerable. I know that sounds horrible, and when you are arguing with someone, that is the last thing that you want to do. The last thing that you want to say is two words that everyone hates to say: you're right.

"You know what? You are right. I did forget to do the dishes when it was my night to do them. I guess I was just tired, or forgot to do them. I probably made you annoyed with me and probably made you think that I was lazy."

The second step is to express empathy. "I believe that you are feeling a couple of these emotions."

And for the third step inquire and ask questions; "Do I believe and understand that correctly?"

For the fourth step, this is where and how you set up your conversation if you were the person responding, or even starting the conversation. You tell of the situation, what you were feeling, why you were feeling that way, and what you would like to change.

For example, you can say; "I got upset when you didn't do the dishes last night. I felt that you didn't care about the state of our/my house and that you were lazy. I was feeling that way because I was tired and hungry. If at all possible, I would just like to have communication about what you are thinking and feeling about doing the dishes."

The last step, is to show appreciation, love, compliments, and any other positive feelings that you have towards that person. This allows for them to not feel like they are being chastised or that they are unappreciated. It would look like something like this: "Again, I am sorry that I reacted this way, but I want you to know that I love you. I love how hard you work and I didn't realize that you might have had a longer day than normal. I love your humor, and I want you to know that I absolutely adore you."

I promise that if you follow these steps and this process that you will be able to make your relationship less contentious, and more enjoyable.

How Can We Avoid Stress in the Family?

If you want to have a successful marriage, then I believe that you have to be intentional with every decision that you and your spouse agree upon. When it comes to doing the dishes, we intentionally decide to do them, even though it may not be "our day" to do them, or we have done it 3 times already this week. Marriages are intentional when it comes to simple decisions; such as what color you want to paint the living room wall, or what kind of color of pots and pans that you want for your kitchen. Everything that is done through a marriage is intentional, no matter how small or large the decision may be. However, decisions are hard to make, and can be stressful and can also cause contention in a marriage.

Turning on a different note for a minute, lets explore options other than decisions that can influence and put a strain on marriages. What are some other things that a married couple has to be cautious with? Well, lets say that a couple met at school, started dating and eventually got married. Let's imagine that they have been married for a few months or so, and they have gotten into a pretty secure and consistent routine. They both go to school, and the husband has a job that provides them with everything that they need in order to live comfortably. Well, what would happen if they were both home, but the husband was more distressed than normal? Concerned, his wife would ask him what was wrong, and hesitantly he says that he lost his job. Their normal routine and financial income is now warped completely; they now have no income, and stress has ensued in their little family.

How can this couple get through this first financial loop that they are struggling with, when they have never really struggled with money in the past? What if on top of this financial situation there was an additional problem?  Let's imagine on top of financial stress, the wife's mother had just been involved in like a car accident and the situation doesn't look very good for her. So now, we have two stressed and worried persons in a committed marriage to each other. Is the stress going to pull them closer together, or are they going to let the problems cause contention between them?

Now, let us pause the situation for a moment. Can you admit that you are feeling stressed out just reading about this situation that the couple are in? Would that uneasy feeling increase if I told you that they were almost 9 month pregnant with their first child?

I want to pause here with the stressful situation and would like to compare it to a simple visual activity: Imagine the couple facing the other, and holding each other's hands. Imagine the financial stress, the stress of starting a family, the stress the wife has about her mother, and the stress of the husband about his heavily pregnant wife. All of these stressors are starting to pull the husband and wife away from each other. Now, the couple has two options here: they can either keep holding onto their significant other's hands and adjust their weight so they can pull each other closer to each other, or they can let go. If their hands come apart from the other person, then that results in a failed marriage.

Now, depending on your situation, I want you to ask yourself one of these two questions?
1. Am I holding onto my husband's/wife's hand tight enough so that we can keep our marriage going?
2. What can I do to make sure that I have a mindset that allows for me to hold onto my ftrure spouse's hand when times are rough?

Intimacy is Amazing

When a couple gets to the point where they are starting to have very simple, but more meaningful touches to their significant other, there becomes an underlying layer of trust and reassurance. Let me explain about those a little bit. 

When a man touches his girlfriend/wife, he is reassuring her everything is going to be a-ok and that he always has her back. The same thing can apply to a woman, and there are many possibilities that can be behind what she has for the touch that she has saved for him. 

Another example, if a couple has been dating/been married for a while, or even just a short amount of time, their communication through touch could be phenomenal! I know that I have seen it in relationships I have had in the past, and I can see it in my current relationship as well. Touch also can be a love language to your love interest/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. 

A love language is how the person you are interested in best feels, understands, and receives love. That is how they interpret love, and the love that you, and others, and giving them. 

There are some problems that can come with touch though. You always have to have their consent. If your significant other is not comfortable with you stroking their back, of having a hand on their knee, or even having an arm wrapped around them, or a hand trying to hold theirs. If they are not ready for it, you do not keep doing it in hopes that they will warm "up to the idea". They have consent, and if they allow you to do something, then I would still proceed with caution. 

There are lots of things that can help your relationship, and intimacy is one of them. Touch is a very important part in keeping your relationship and your marriage strong. It may not the the number one thing, but statistics show that if you and your significant other are always touching (in both a sexual and non-sexual way, always with consent) you will have a deeper love for your significant other. 

The point that I am trying to make, is to make sure that you and your romantic interest are always having personal, sacred, and loving touch between the each other. If you do this, I promise that you will have a deeper love and appreciation for your spouse. I know that I have gained a deeper relationship with my own personal relationship, and I have seen it from my parents, grandparents, and even friends who are in healthy relationships and marriages. 

See you all next time!