There is Not Only "One Way to Date"

Back in the days, (I'm guessing about 20-30 years ago at a minimum), there was a specific way that the dating process panned out. This process would evolve over a period of about a year or so, (maybe more, maybe less), and would occur in these specific set of steps: 

Dating 
            Courting 
                            Engagement
                                                Marriage

Seems reasonable right? I agree. I think that it is good to date people, and to get a feel for what you want in your future spouse. I agree that dating should be fun, with many different activities where you can get to know the person that you are interested in. However, the dating process that you see above was "back in the days", and is not the same as the dating process today. Today's culture is very different, and the chart goes a little something like this:
   
Dating             
            Courting 
                            Engagement
                                                 Marriage

Obviously something is very different compared to the chart above. Courting is now considered "redundant" or "a waste of time". I can neither deny nor agree with that. I am not bothered by the fact that courting is not a thing anymore, and on the flip side I am not overly concerned about bringing it back. Why? Because I think, and firmly believe, that a relationship can survive without going through the step of "courting".

The dating trend that is occurring now, is where people will start dating someone exclusively while they barely know the person. Another increasing trend, (one that I would like to go more in depth with), is the fact that couple who are dating will "decide to get married", "pick a wedding date", and "schedule the temple/venue" before they get engaged.

Why do you think that these dating trends have changed?

I believe that they have changed because 1. not only are there more and more dangers out there in this world but 2., we have been given gifts here on this Earth help us to find those dangers. Let me elaborate.

For the dangers that I mentioned, there is an increasing problem of pornography all throughout the world. If a couple wants to get married, then they can talk through all of the problems and addictions that they as individuals have, and if they wish, they can get it all taken care of, (as much as the couple determines appropriate), before they get married.

The 2nd thing that I mentioned was gifts that we have here on Earth. I believe that we as humans are more cautious than we have ever been; (because of the reason above, I think we do have every reason to be cautious.) We are also seeing an increase in cases of anxiety throughout the world and I believe that is because we need to be very cautious when moving into the idea marriage. Anxiety for the most part is annoying, a pain in the butt, and can be seriously disabling. However, it can also be a strength for finding those who we choose to be with.

That raises another question that I have: do you think that it is wrong for a couple to decide to work towards marriage? Do you think that it is wrong when a couple ends up deciding on getting married and actually start to plan and schedule their wedding? Actually, here is a better question: Do you think that if a couple doesn't follow the steps of dating, then courting, then getting engaged, and then getting married exclusively in that order that they will end up getting a divorce? Hmm... I'll let you think on that for a minuet.

This may have seemed like a very loud and opinionated post, and you are right. I had a lot of hard and intense feelings while I was both sitting in class and writing this article. I had these feelings because I didn't agree with them. I don't agree with the fact that everything was pointing to failure when it comes to dating. There are so many exceptions, and there definitely isn't one "specific" way to date. I know a wide range of amazing people who have very successful marriages, and a pretty uncommon dating experience with their current spouse.

If you want to make your marriage work, then you will be able to make it work; regardless of your dating experience with that person.

Dancing is Related to... Marriage?

 Yes, you read that right. There are so many different ways that dancing is related to marriage. Just look at the general dynamics of how the dance is set up; The guy leads, supports, and balances with the woman while they are dancing. The woman's role is to follow, be in a position where the man can support her, and give balance back to the man.

When a guy leads the woman, he is taking her by the hand, (sometimes literally), and he is saying, "Alright, I am you protector. We are going to be doing this together, but I am leading this dance through life. You know the dance, it is your responsibility to know where to be, so be there for me so that you can help me out." And I really like that perspective.

When a woman follows, I don't mean that they sit back and be abused and mistreated because their husband is "in charge and what he says goes." No, that is not the case. However, according to The Family: A Proclamation to the World  the "fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

The key phrase that I would like to point out would have to be the last line of what I cited for this article: "fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners". When you are dancing with a cute guy or girl, and only one of you is putting forth the effort with leading, or following, or just not knowing the dance in general, then it is going to cause some difficulties down the road.

So how can someone work through those difficulties that are going to arise in the dance? Maybe there is a sudden change in tempo, and you are not sure how to dance to this new and "improved" song. Maybe neither partner is sure what to do when the DJ decides to throw a curve ball, (or unexpected trial), during our dance. Just think about that for a moment.

Another thing that the man is responsible for doing, is supporting. At the end of a dance, most girls really like it when the guy spins them around and dips them. It makes the women feel like they are in a fairy tale, and that they are special, important, and even cherished by the man they are dancing with. It makes them feel safe, and ultimately, that is what a girl is looking for. (So tip guys: if you really like a girl, randomly have a dance with her pretty much anywhere and do the spin and dip, and she will be very interested back as well. [Keep in mind however, that some girls don't like to dance.]) Women's roles for support, is to allow her man to help her. If she doesn't let him, then he can in no way support her and her needs.

And that leads me to my last point: balance. Balance is crucial for both of these roles in a dance. There are going to be times where a man won't be able to lead, and he won't be able to support, and his woman is going to have to step up to the plate so that they can get through whatever their circumstances may be. There needs to be a balance of support, and it is going to be important and crucial to their relationship that both man and woman know how to support each other in everything that they do.

Marriage is a dance through life. There may be times where neither of you know the steps, the song, or are even confusion about why the song is speeding up or slowing down. But if you have your man or woman by your side, then you will be able to laugh at the mistakes, enjoy the sloppy steps, and overall, relish in all of the effort that you have put into this now, perfect for your marriage, dance.

You Have the Choice

It was a normal day, around 3:30 in the afternoon, and Amelia was folding her her son's laundry, including his football jersey. As she was doing this, she was letting her mind wander, and that led her to start thinking about her son. "Star of the football team and he already has a promising career for being a college football player when he graduates." She sighs. "My Liam is such an amazing kid: smart, kind to others in his class, has good friends, and always works hard for what he wants. I could not have asked for a more perf-" 

 Amelia's thought process was interrupted when she heard the door of her house opening. Turning, she looked to see who was coming into her house, and was both stunned and confused when she saw her son, Liam, standing there. "Strange" she thought, "he is never home this early from school. He usually has practice until 5." 

"Hi Liam, you're home early. Was practice cancelled today?" She asked. Liam's rich voice replied in a disheartened monotone, "no". Amelia's stomach dropped: something wasn't right.  Now concerned for her son, she heard herself saying "What's the matter sweetheart?" 

"It's nothing Mom, don't worry about it," he said. "This doesn't sound like my Liam." She thought. "Liam, I know that there is something bothering you. What is it, so that I can know how to help you?" Liam hesitated. He was still standing by the door he just entered through, and was shifting from side to side - clearly uncomfortable, and clearly deciding if he wanted to do this or not. After a couple of seconds, he placed his backpack down on the ground, and walked over to the living room where she was seated. He sat on the same couch, but was farther away that Amelia would have liked. Regardless, he was still going to tell her. 

She patiently waited for him to gather up the courage to speak what was on his mind. After a couple of minuets with his head in his hands, Liam sat up straight and looked at her, and he said plain and simple, "I am gay."

Now, as to what happens for the rest of this story, I am going to leave that up to you to decide. We all have certain opinions, and there are many different ways that Amelia could respond to Liam, depending on her views about her child being gay, or even just gay oriented people. 

Now, notice how I am not saying "homosexual". I believe that being homosexual and being gay are two completely different things. I know what you are thinking, and yes, those terms are very similar when it comes to describing a person, but let's take it a little deeper. When you Google the term "gay" and are searching for a definition, you get exactly what I said it wasn't related to: "homosexual". However, it was once a way to describe a feeling, and a certain way a person acted. Eventually, this changed into a sexual orientation. 

There has been research done showing that if a man is told over and over again that he is gay, then he can't be anything other than gay. He won't ever be able to have a family, to be a father, or even to be a husband, all because all he knows is to be "gay". 

Newsflash for everyone: THIS IS NOT TRUE! 

If a man chooses to be attracted to men, that is 100% his choice. If a man wants to be attracted to women, that is 100% his choice. A man that is "gay" can have a very successful and happy marriage. A man that is "gay" can have children and become a father with a woman he loves. 

Stop telling people that when you have come to the conclusion that you are "gay" that this is the way that God has made you. No, you have a biological component that makes you attracted to other males, but you do not have to act upon them. If you want to be attracted to women, choose to be. If you want to be attracted to men, choose to be. 

What people say does not define who you are. You have the choice, and you are the only one who can make it. 

Family Culture

Have you ever had an experience where you were interacting with a friend, colleague, or even a complete stranger and they told you something that threw you completely for a loop? What I mean by "loop" is a difference in something that someone does, and you discover that you do it completely different than they do? Are there certain family rules that only your family has? Is there an unspoken agreement that your family just, has? Even though it has never been discussed? That is because every family, over hundreds of years of traditions, beliefs, and compromises has kept unspoken rules, and also intentionally added rules to fit the needs of new families. You could almost call unspoken family rules an individualized family's culture. 

So, what exactly is culture? Culture can be "the cumulative deposit of knowledge, experience, beliefs, values, attitudes, meanings, hierarchies, religion, notions of time, roles, spatial relations, concepts of the universe, and material objects and possessions acquired by a group of people in the course of generations through individual and group striving." (Hofstede). Sorry for the long description, but you now get the idea that culture is comprised of many different components. 

The cool thing about culture though, is that it is like clay: it can be molded, squished, stretched, compressed, or even expanded. It doesn't have to be set in stone for generation after generation, and can always improve and change at a moment's notice. I am sure we have all heard the saying, "If you cook, then you don't clean" or from a mother's point of view, "I cooked, now you clean!" Now, we are all familiar with the role that women played in and throughout history: they would usually cook, clean, and care for the children. However, the rule that "I cooked, now you clean" had to come from somewhere. How did that change come to be? How can we change our family culture? 

Let's take the scenario above and look at how the families themselves can change after this new culture is established. The very first generation where this was changed, was more that likely, very odd; probably even almost uncomfortable to get used to. But, I am sure the mothers and daughters in following generations were more than happy to have their husbands, fathers, and brothers to either learn how to cook, or how to do the dishes. 

The families that have this rule, I believe, have learned how to be more selfless, hardworking, and aware of the responsibilities that everyone in the family has. They are more aware of each other member of their family, and they more than likely have a better, deeper, and more meaningful relationship. 

Now, lets think for a second: What if that wasn't a family rule, and the family still doesn't have that rule in their house? What if a son in the family is looking to get married, but he expects his future wife to do all of the cooking, cleaning, and eventually caring for their children? Chances are, that there isn't going to be a high chance for him to find a wife. However, if there is a new rule that they come up with, such as he will cook and clean the dishes on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Then his wife could cook and clean the dishes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That then would be a compromise, and they would have, believe it or not, a new family culture. 

The main point that I am trying to make, is that if you don't like some unspoken rule or culture that your family has, you have the power to change it. If you can't change it in for your immediate family, then strive to know what you want for when you have a family of your own. If you like the culture your family has right now, then great! But understand that family culture can always be changed. 

Cites: Hofstede, Unknown. “Culture.” Empiricism: Hume & Positivism, 2014, people.tamu.edu/~i-choudhury/culture.html.

The Importance of Good Relationships

What is an optimal family? In a easier phrasing, an optimal family is simply "successful function between family members". Let's be completely honest here though, there are so many different ideas of what "successful", "functioning", and even "families" mean. Successful could mean that everyone goes to bed happy at the end of the day. However, in another family, it could mean that everyone went to bed angry, but no one died in the process. So, why is it important that we have an optimal family situation, or at least strive to have one?

Having an optimal family system is crucial for not only the relationship of spouses, but also for the stress level of their children. In my Family Relations class, we were talking about the importance of the relationship between parents and the effects that it has on their children. The example we talked about was children with Asthma would come to the hospital with their parents, and the doctor who would be working with these children started to notice a pattern: Mom would usually sit right by the child, and if the father was present, he would sit detached from both of them. (Shown below)

M = Mom

C = Child

D = Dad

MC  D

This particular Doctor, (whose name I cannot recall), started to question what would happen if he separated the child from Mom, and instead placed Dad by Mom:

MD  C

The results were crazy! Not only did that small change help to make the Father feel involved, but it also helped the child to relax, and not be afraid, stressed, or tense. 

The relationships that parents have with each other, is very crucial on the child's development. If a child is stressed out early in their life, it can impact their social, mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical development, all the way up until they are an adult. For example; if a 10-year-old child is going through a stressful situation at home, (let's say divorce), their sleep pattern will change, they may become more rebellious, grades may drop, and they will start puberty sooner. 

Moving back to the hospital scenario, I am going to share a slightly similar example. My Professor, (who is an experienced family therapist), found the study done by the doctor, and decided to try it out for himself. He started to place parents siting side by side, and the children that were present went from a stiff posture and straight face, to being completely relaxed and having soft, relieved smiles. Absolutely amazing that parent's relationships affect their children so much. 

So going back to the question at the beginning, "how can we create an optimal family situation in our own family?"

The biggest one is communication, and this cannot be stressed enough. When spouses, parents, and even children communicate about everything with each other, (and I mean everything), there is little room for misunderstanding and hard, negative feelings towards another member. 

The second thing, is listening; this is also super crucial when it comes to optimal relationships. If you communicate about everything, it is difficult to resolve anything when you don't actually listen to the problem that is being discussed and you are still at square one with a still, unsolved problem. 

The last one that I would recommend, is to always find time to spend with your family. The more time that you spend with someone, the stronger that your relationship is going to be. (I know that I have really learned the importance of that, especially over the past couple of months.)

If you work your hardest to strive to develop communication, listening skills, and a pattern of spending time with another person, then I know for sure that your relationships will work out, get better, and become more meaningful. 

What Can We Do to Protect The Family?

Disclaimer: I know that not everyone has the so called "perfect family" situation. I understand that there are blended, divorced, broken, and even complicated family situations. If your family are your friends, co-workers, neighbors, pets, classmates, or others I have failed to mention, know that you can still partake! If I offend you by feeling like I don't include you, or others you know, I sincerely apologize. It is not my intention to offend, just to share the things I have learned and am passionate about. 

Hi there!

If you haven't ready my biography yet, my name is Bethany Squires and I am a student at Brigham Young University located in Idaho. I am 18 years old, am studying Early Childhood Development, and am seeking a career as a Child Life Specialist. I am a firm believer in the importance of relationships, and I want to share those things that I am not only learning, but am passionate about. I will be updating weekly, and would enjoy having you along for the ride!