Family Culture

Have you ever had an experience where you were interacting with a friend, colleague, or even a complete stranger and they told you something that threw you completely for a loop? What I mean by "loop" is a difference in something that someone does, and you discover that you do it completely different than they do? Are there certain family rules that only your family has? Is there an unspoken agreement that your family just, has? Even though it has never been discussed? That is because every family, over hundreds of years of traditions, beliefs, and compromises has kept unspoken rules, and also intentionally added rules to fit the needs of new families. You could almost call unspoken family rules an individualized family's culture. 

So, what exactly is culture? Culture can be "the cumulative deposit of knowledge, experience, beliefs, values, attitudes, meanings, hierarchies, religion, notions of time, roles, spatial relations, concepts of the universe, and material objects and possessions acquired by a group of people in the course of generations through individual and group striving." (Hofstede). Sorry for the long description, but you now get the idea that culture is comprised of many different components. 

The cool thing about culture though, is that it is like clay: it can be molded, squished, stretched, compressed, or even expanded. It doesn't have to be set in stone for generation after generation, and can always improve and change at a moment's notice. I am sure we have all heard the saying, "If you cook, then you don't clean" or from a mother's point of view, "I cooked, now you clean!" Now, we are all familiar with the role that women played in and throughout history: they would usually cook, clean, and care for the children. However, the rule that "I cooked, now you clean" had to come from somewhere. How did that change come to be? How can we change our family culture? 

Let's take the scenario above and look at how the families themselves can change after this new culture is established. The very first generation where this was changed, was more that likely, very odd; probably even almost uncomfortable to get used to. But, I am sure the mothers and daughters in following generations were more than happy to have their husbands, fathers, and brothers to either learn how to cook, or how to do the dishes. 

The families that have this rule, I believe, have learned how to be more selfless, hardworking, and aware of the responsibilities that everyone in the family has. They are more aware of each other member of their family, and they more than likely have a better, deeper, and more meaningful relationship. 

Now, lets think for a second: What if that wasn't a family rule, and the family still doesn't have that rule in their house? What if a son in the family is looking to get married, but he expects his future wife to do all of the cooking, cleaning, and eventually caring for their children? Chances are, that there isn't going to be a high chance for him to find a wife. However, if there is a new rule that they come up with, such as he will cook and clean the dishes on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Then his wife could cook and clean the dishes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That then would be a compromise, and they would have, believe it or not, a new family culture. 

The main point that I am trying to make, is that if you don't like some unspoken rule or culture that your family has, you have the power to change it. If you can't change it in for your immediate family, then strive to know what you want for when you have a family of your own. If you like the culture your family has right now, then great! But understand that family culture can always be changed. 

Cites: Hofstede, Unknown. “Culture.” Empiricism: Hume & Positivism, 2014, people.tamu.edu/~i-choudhury/culture.html.

The Importance of Good Relationships

What is an optimal family? In a easier phrasing, an optimal family is simply "successful function between family members". Let's be completely honest here though, there are so many different ideas of what "successful", "functioning", and even "families" mean. Successful could mean that everyone goes to bed happy at the end of the day. However, in another family, it could mean that everyone went to bed angry, but no one died in the process. So, why is it important that we have an optimal family situation, or at least strive to have one?

Having an optimal family system is crucial for not only the relationship of spouses, but also for the stress level of their children. In my Family Relations class, we were talking about the importance of the relationship between parents and the effects that it has on their children. The example we talked about was children with Asthma would come to the hospital with their parents, and the doctor who would be working with these children started to notice a pattern: Mom would usually sit right by the child, and if the father was present, he would sit detached from both of them. (Shown below)

M = Mom

C = Child

D = Dad

MC  D

This particular Doctor, (whose name I cannot recall), started to question what would happen if he separated the child from Mom, and instead placed Dad by Mom:

MD  C

The results were crazy! Not only did that small change help to make the Father feel involved, but it also helped the child to relax, and not be afraid, stressed, or tense. 

The relationships that parents have with each other, is very crucial on the child's development. If a child is stressed out early in their life, it can impact their social, mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical development, all the way up until they are an adult. For example; if a 10-year-old child is going through a stressful situation at home, (let's say divorce), their sleep pattern will change, they may become more rebellious, grades may drop, and they will start puberty sooner. 

Moving back to the hospital scenario, I am going to share a slightly similar example. My Professor, (who is an experienced family therapist), found the study done by the doctor, and decided to try it out for himself. He started to place parents siting side by side, and the children that were present went from a stiff posture and straight face, to being completely relaxed and having soft, relieved smiles. Absolutely amazing that parent's relationships affect their children so much. 

So going back to the question at the beginning, "how can we create an optimal family situation in our own family?"

The biggest one is communication, and this cannot be stressed enough. When spouses, parents, and even children communicate about everything with each other, (and I mean everything), there is little room for misunderstanding and hard, negative feelings towards another member. 

The second thing, is listening; this is also super crucial when it comes to optimal relationships. If you communicate about everything, it is difficult to resolve anything when you don't actually listen to the problem that is being discussed and you are still at square one with a still, unsolved problem. 

The last one that I would recommend, is to always find time to spend with your family. The more time that you spend with someone, the stronger that your relationship is going to be. (I know that I have really learned the importance of that, especially over the past couple of months.)

If you work your hardest to strive to develop communication, listening skills, and a pattern of spending time with another person, then I know for sure that your relationships will work out, get better, and become more meaningful. 

What Can We Do to Protect The Family?

Disclaimer: I know that not everyone has the so called "perfect family" situation. I understand that there are blended, divorced, broken, and even complicated family situations. If your family are your friends, co-workers, neighbors, pets, classmates, or others I have failed to mention, know that you can still partake! If I offend you by feeling like I don't include you, or others you know, I sincerely apologize. It is not my intention to offend, just to share the things I have learned and am passionate about. 

Hi there!

If you haven't ready my biography yet, my name is Bethany Squires and I am a student at Brigham Young University located in Idaho. I am 18 years old, am studying Early Childhood Development, and am seeking a career as a Child Life Specialist. I am a firm believer in the importance of relationships, and I want to share those things that I am not only learning, but am passionate about. I will be updating weekly, and would enjoy having you along for the ride!